Former Speaker Job Ndugai passed away on August 6, 2025, in Dodoma while receiving treatment. Reports during his funeral rites indicated that Ndugai left behind a wife, children, and grandchildren. Different sources provide varying numbers of children, and he himself once mentioned that he was unsure of how many children he had. 

But that’s a story for another day. My focus today is on the phrase “one wife.” Let me be honest. Since his death, my mind has been racing, from media interviews with his first wife, Stella Mmassy, claiming to be the only wife, stating they married in 1988, never divorced, and unaware of any other marriage. 

High-level officials, including parliament members, recognise Dr Fatma Mganga, who is currently Singida’s Regional Administrative Secretary, as Ndugai’s only wife. Bear with me, my mind is still racing.

Ndugai has stated multiple times that he was a devout Christian, not just a regular Easter and Christmas churchgoer like most of us, but a respected member of his church. He referred to himself as Mzee wa Kanisa to emphasise the seriousness of his position. Last I checked (as someone who doesn’t attend church), Christians typically only erecognise one marriage. We all know that male Christians (husbands) often have multiple wives, not to mention extra relationships.

Erasure?

For those who observed the burial services closely, apart from Stella Mmassy’s interview after Ndugai’s death, she hasn’t been mentioned in any rites. She seemed to vanish; her presence was almost entirely erased.

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Instead, people saw photos of various government officials with Dr Mganga, who now appeared to be not only the first wife but the sole wife. All condolences went to her, with no mention of the other family. 

Only she had a wreath dedicated to ‘husband,’ while Stella was grouped with Ndugai’s children with the wreath ‘baba,’ not even acknowledged as a family member, but simply part of his children. How on earth can Ndugai give birth to Stella and Stella manage to have children with him?

First wives, I’m not upset with Stella for continuing to believe that Ndugai was still her husband. Legally, if no divorce was served, she could still consider herself his wife. You know those sayings like ‘let him be, he will come back’? Well, most of the time, they don’t. 

Of course, for this case, Ndugai is sleeping at Kongwa. And word on the street suggests she was still seen as a wife, albeit with an absent husband. However, the state decided otherwise. I’m not blaming Stella, as most of our mothers and grandmothers were never equipped to address these issues; the only tool they had was tolerance.

Stepping up

That being said, women, especially first wives, it’s time to step up. Assert your place in the union, ensure your children are raised to support and protect you, giving you the strength to not fade into the background. You need to do better. 

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Firstly, it’s crucial for women to view marriage the same way men do: as a source of security. Men marry women who can maintain a home, ensuring that even if something happens, the woman can still care for the children and manage the household. They don’t primarily marry for love, but for security and the so-called ‘peace at home’ (That ‘peace’ thing needs to be dissected further).

If you’re a first wife (nonsense), chances are you married a man who was struggling financially, socially, and in other aspects.  You likely went through hardships together. As you had children, you may have put your dreams on hold to care for them and build a home, creating that ‘peace’ for the family to thrive. 

While this is commendable, you may have forgotten your own dreams and worth, neglecting to acknowledge all the contributions you’ve made, including the peace you provided for your husband to succeed. Keep track of it all.

Men, not all, but most men, go through a phase with a struggling wife and a phase with a luxurious wife. This is probably the one who is educated, elite (not always), a woman he can present to his elite and affluent men’s club. A woman with whom he can speak the same language, who knows how to hold a glass of wine, and is no longer struggling. 

Keep the receipts

Please, keep track and keep the receipts to protect yourself when he finally says goodbye, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, or just doesn’t come home at all. Ask yourself, am I prepared? 

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Have I prepared my kids to stand up for themselves? Have I prepared for future events? Who am I? Who was I before I met him? What happened to me? Ask yourself difficult and uncomfortable questions, even when they are hard to swallow.

Do not rely on your religious leader, as they will leave you stranded while photo shooting with politicians, especially if your husband now holds power. Do not rely on his friends, the ones who used to call you ‘our wife’ while you cooked for them, eating without even washing dishes. They now call the other woman ‘our true wife. 

Think selfishly. Yes, I said it. Be selfish. And please, do not lose sight of who you are. Learn to live again, and if you want, date again. Keep receipts, or you will keep waiting and end up being just a part of his children. Refuse to become part of your husband’s children when he leaves.

As women, we need to redefine the institution of marriage, if necessary, revamp it using the experiences of our mothers and grandmothers. Let’s rethink the institution of marriage as it was never designed for our benefit in the 22nd century. If you choose marriage, make it beneficial. You will thank your lucky stars later.

I love Stella’s wisdom and compassion in her relationship with Ndugai in front of the media. She is wise.

Warm regards,

Mary wa Fadei.

Mary Fadei is a seasonal gender equality professional and activist. She can be reached at maryfadei05.mn@gmail.com or on X as Mary_ndaro. The opinions expressed here are the writer’s own and do not necessarily reflect those of The Chanzo. If you are interested in publishing in this space, please contact our editors at editor@thechanzo.com.