Let’s discuss submission. It’s a delicate topic that involves privilege, comfort, power, and even personal identity. For me, it’s simple: I do not submit. I show respect, I listen, I am kind, but that does not equate to submission. The only submission I recognise is to a higher power rooted in love, empathy, respect, justice, and compassion for others.

So, what is submission? In patriarchal terms, it’s the expectation that women yield to men’s authority at home, in relationships, in leadership, and even in sexuality. It’s often framed as ‘natural’ or ‘God-ordained,’ masking inequality under the guise of respect and harmony.

Submission automatically designates who is the head of the household in all aspects of life, such as fathers, brothers, sons, partners, and sometimes even friends. It creates a sense of obligation, even when the figure in question is not fulfilling their role. Women are still expected to submit, to stroke the ego. 

Submission normalises women’s compliance as natural and virtuous, instilling fear through the portrayal of a scary, punitive God. This fear is used to manipulate women into submission, masking the unequal power dynamics as a sign of love, respect, and harmony. 

Socially constructed

However, make no mistake: submission is socially constructed, not natural. If it were natural, women would not feel resentment towards themselves or those they are forced to submit to.

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The question remains: is submission natural for women? What do women submit to in real life? Where do men fit into these politics of submission and the anxiety it brings when there is no submission? What impact does this have on their emotions, mental well-being, and sense of identity? 

Is submission natural for men because some have come to value their lives more and understand the dangers of expecting submission from women? But let’s refocus on women’s perspectives.

When I speak with women from various cultures, faiths, and socioeconomic backgrounds, one thing becomes clear: most women do not submit blindly. Many weigh their options before submitting. Some say they will only yield if a man provides financially for them. 

Others maintain appearances, publicly praising submission, quoting scripture, and referring to men as ‘heads of households,’ while privately, they run the household and make decisions. This group understands what patriarchy expects and what most men want to hear, so they tailor their message accordingly. 

They may praise submission in public settings, like online platforms, weddings, church, and other gatherings, promising to be submissive and urging other women to acknowledge men’s role as head of the household, regardless of their economic status. 

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This group seems to accept patriarchy’s demands as a means of survival, rather than a genuine belief. Submission has also left many men confused, as they struggle to reconcile the reality on the ground with their fantasies of being submitted to.

Rejecting submission

Then there are women who outright reject submission. They assert themselves as co-heads of families or simply refuse to abide by patriarchal norms. For them, respect is key, not submission. 

Some identify as feminists and challenge the system, while others are tired of repeating the stories of their mothers and grandmothers, choosing to break the cycle.

The truth is, submission has never been about women’s nature; it’s about the patriarch’s desire for control. Women understand this and navigate it in various ways, sometimes resisting, sometimes complying, and sometimes walking away entirely. 

It’s evident that submission is not synonymous with love, harmony, or respect. It’s a political tool, and women everywhere are rewriting the narrative. As a man, if a woman is submitting to you, be cautious; she might be testing you, hiding some issues, or you might be her slave.

Mary wa Fadei!

Mary Fadei is a seasonal gender equality professional and activist. She can be reached at maryfadei05.mn@gmail.com or on X as Mary_ndaro. The opinions expressed here are the writer’s own and do not necessarily reflect those of The Chanzo. If you are interested in publishing in this space, please contact our editors at editor@thechanzo.com.